cpapnea: the continuing saga

You would think it would be easier to get used to something that's supposed to make your life difficult.  You would be wrong.

At least in my case.

In the 2 months that I've had this machine that is supposed to make it so I don't choke and die in the middle of the night, there have been a recorded 2 nights where I have slept through the night without any difficulties.  The rest include the following scenarios:

• Wake up with the mask placed neatly on the side table, disconnected from the hose, and the machine is off
• Wake up and the mask is on my face, but the hose has been disconnected and it is still blowing air, wherever it may have ended up
• Wake up and the mask is on the other side of the room and I'm laying on top of the hose enjoying the warm air it's blowing
• Wake up to find the hose wrapped around my neck, which I find to be the most ironic of the options so far, as it's something that's supposed to help me breathe better doing the opposite of that (mind you, there's no way it can actually strangle me, but it was still a bit scary to wake up to that.)
• And many other alternatives... mostly variations on the same theme of me waking up to find that I've violently removed something good only to feel worse all day.

Robin really has something to look forward to come May 31.

I can say that the mornings where I've woken up and miraculously the mask was still on with air flowing into my face, I've felt a lot better through the day, more energy, less desire to go to bed at 9pm, no more "sleep attacks" where I can barely keep awake in the middle of the day, so I guess this thing works, despite my body's reluctance to allow it to do so.

The last two nights I've woken up in the middle of the night to find the mask off.  I put it back on and, surprise, fell right back to sleep and woke up 4 hours later with it still on ready to get up and take on the day, although I do feel slightly tired.

Some forums for those with the CPAP suggest different ways of helping you keep it on at night.  I've tried socks on my hands and sleeping with a pillow between my legs so far which hasn't really ended up being helpful.  Others have suggested taking the pillow concept to the extreme and pretending I'm a pregnant woman (of which I am neither, for those who may be curious) and getting a Snoogle.  Less dramatic options include taping the mask to my face so it's at least uncomfortable when I try to take it off in my unconscious state or even putting the machine on a level playing field with the bed so I have a bit more hose to work with.

One night at a time, and hopefully it'll lead to better sleep and a better quality of life... at least one aspect of it.

resourced

One thing I am when it comes to making plans is cautious.  For those who know me, you will know that in most large decisions in my life, I like to think about it.  For a long time.  Deciding to move forward in the relationship to the point of being ready to get married to the girl I love took some time.  She was very patient with me, but the patience was wearing a bit thin by the time I finally pulled out the ring.  What took me so long?  I needed to be certain about the largest decision in my life.  But what I realized as time went on was that there's no way to be certain about anything and sometimes you have to take the leap of faith.  So, I decided to jump.

But not without doing a bit of preparation.  I mentioned a few books that I have read in order to help me prepare for the rest of my life.  I thought I might share for anyone who is interested in learning a bit more, or knows someone who is entering into discussions about the what if's of marriage.

Before you Get Engaged by David Gudgel, along with his son, Brent Gudgel

The premise of this is a pastor who realizes there's not much out there for those who are dating and are wanting to figure out the questions that should be considered before they go ring shopping.  I bought this one in my final months at Emmanuel as I was asking a lot of questions about what my future would look like at the time, so why not ask questions about engagement at the same time?  The chapters included questions along the lines of what do your friends think, what does your family think, do you enjoy spending time together, and other aspects that definitely need to be considered before getting married.  The book suggested you sit down as a couple and write a letter to your friends asking for their prayerful support as you work towards marriage and, although it might be awkward at the time, to share with you any blind spots you may be missing that would lead to issues down the road.  We did this and no one suggested we slow down, so that must be a good sign.

This book was recommended by the pastor of the church we attend a few years back, not specifically to us, but I kept it in mind when looking for resources.

To Become One by Chris Seay and Chad Karger

This book is one we've gone through over the past few months, recommended to us by some friends who read it before they got married a number of years back.  The chapters include discussions on family, money, the S word [starts with s ends with ex, and no, I'm not talking about spandex], the wedding ceremony, becoming closer spiritually, along with others.  Each chapter has some questions to discuss after reading.  Some good discussions came up with this book and some issues that, although not deal breakers, will be ones we need to continue to discuss as we get to know each other.  I like the play on words in the title, based off the biblical premise of two becoming one.

Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Got Married by Gary Chapman

As the title suggests, Gary Chapman goes through some lessons he's learned since becoming married in attempts to help those moving towards the wedding day avoid some common pitfalls, or at least be better prepared for when the time comes.  Robin took the opportunity to go through this book and suggested I do too.  So last year, I downloaded the audio book and listened to it while going for walks around the neighbourhood in Toronto.  There were some things I knew already and some that I thought I knew already, but a few new things to consider.  The only chapter I remember at the moment is along the lines that you wish you'd known that "Like father like son, and like mother like daughter" were more than just sayings.  There are many traits and habits you pick up from your parents that you don't realize until you have a 3rd party around you all the time to observe these.  It makes much more sense when you're considering the other person in relation to their family.

And finally, one book that's been recommended time and time again, but I haven't quite gotten around to yet:

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Don't worry, it's on order from the library.  I'll get there and post some comments once I've had a chance to read it.

Other books that I've had from the library that we didn't get to, but look like they could be useful:

• 10 Great Dates Before You Say I Do
• 10 Conversations You Must Have Before You Get Married (and How to Have Them)
• 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

There's never any way you can be fully prepared for the unknown, but it never helps to be prepared.  But then again, as Anonymous commented on the last post, "Preparing is great but probably the best thing you can do is not over think it."

when someday becomes today

When I lived in Toronto, prior to asking Robin to be my wife, we used to go to Ikea and play a game Robin likes to call "Someday House" where we look at every piece of furniture in the store and decide if it's something we would like placed in our theoretical home that may happen someday, but definitely not today.

Shortly after getting engaged, Robin returned to Toronto and we went to Ikea again, and instead of playing "Someday House", we began to play "Next Year House".  This was exciting at the time as we began to dream about things that were not theoretical anymore, but on a timeline and collision course with actually happening.  Prices started coming into play, and practicality.  No longer could we have 17 Poangs or Malm dressers, but only one or two as we thought about the space we may have and the money we need to not spend in order to  save up money for a house, and Robin's hypothetical puppy that she's not going to get any time soon.

As we went through the months of being engaged, sometimes the realization that things were going to drastically change were in my face but other times they've been far off in Someday land as something I didn't need to deal with or face right now and then.  But recently, I think I've come to the conclusion that this far off dream is becoming less and less mystical and more and more real and in the here-and-now.  It could be that we're now less than 3 months away, or that we've made a lot of steps in preparation for our wedding, honeymoon, and life beyond, but the time is getting closer every day to the day that we say our vows and just like that, we have license to live under the same roof and have committed to go through life together, no longer as individuals but as a team - an equal partnership where communication is not optional and no longer is thinking of yourself first encouraged.

Someday is now 80-something days away.  As someone who hates change, I've decided to make a conscious effort to prepare for what is coming ahead.  This includes lots of reading including a few books that have been recommended to us, and various blogs I find on marriage and all the aspects that come with it.  Some are more helpful than others, but they all give different perspectives to consider as I consider what I want to be like as a married man.

That being said, I know that on May 31, when "someday" becomes "today", expectations will be busted, new experiences will be formed, and the wait will be over as the rollercoaster that is marriage goes over the top of the lift hill and hurtles towards the unknown at full speed.  Do I believe I'm prepared for what comes ahead?  No.  But I believe that every little bit helps in making the unknown a bit less frightening.

Keep your arms inside the vehicle at all times.  It's going to be a thrill.