a photo tour

Here's a photo tour of my current apartment:

You walk into my living room.  Ahead is the sitting area, to the right is the bookcase, "TV" computer, and the kitchen.  To the left is the hallway.





If you go left down my hallway, you will pass by the Master Bedroom (I have one of those now), and the Office en route to the bathroom.





 

It's a nice place.  Bigger than what I've had, but I think it fits everything I own just right.  And I think I've found a way to get away with not having to buy a second dresser.  I'll need to get a second opinion when my second opinion comes up next, but it's a good start.

I've put up 15 pictures so far and my "Meeting Hat."  I'm also finding out where the studs and concrete are.  It's fun times all around.

torontonia: unpacking

I used to live in a 400 square foot one room plus bathroom apartment.  It was small.  I could see my stove from my bed.  I had a slight fear that if I was unable to see my stove from my bed at wherever I ended up, I may have a panic attack and go screaming into the sunset.  This has not happened.  Yet.

But what has happened in the past few days has been a process of unpacking my life from the 400 square foot apartment and trying to find a new space for it in the much larger space I find myself in now.  I don't know exact dimensions, but I would guess it is at least 1.5-2 times larger than what I had.  It has 2 bedrooms (more like 1 and an office), 3 closets, and a nice sized kitchen and living area.

I've already gone out and picked up a larger bookshelf than the puny pathetic thing I carried around for a number of years and after about 2 years my quantity of books had outgrown it.  I have plans to pick up a new dresser when time and money allows.  As I continue to put things just so, I'll contemplate other options for workable storage in my new home.

A few boxes remain to be unpacked, but I realize I don't have to unpack everything.  I actually have space to store things in my new digs.  It's odd.

As mentioned in the episode of Tasty Treats with Tim, I broke my camera.  An attempt to disassemble it has failed miserably as I can't take any more screws out and the lens isn't budging, so I'm calling it quits on this one.  It's had a good life.  I'm most likely getting a smart phone of some sort, so I can take pictures of my new place with that.

But for now, I'm off to sleep in my bed, with a door safely separating me from the chattels of my home.  But don't worry.  If I ever get concerned, I can open the door without having to knock.  It's my home.

torontonia: all moved in

Friday was the big day.  I had originally planned to move on Saturday, but by the time I signed my lease and booked a moving van, it was only available for Friday night.  On Thursday morning around 12:30, I realized I should take Friday off to prepare because it wasn't going to be a pretty move otherwise.  So I took a personal day, packed up the rest of my belongings, took apart some shelves, and then the move happened.

It was a quick, painless move (I think).  8 people helped load up the vehicles on the KW end, and 6 helped unload in Torontonia.  30 minutes to load, 50 minutes to unload, and an hour drive between the two, meaning we started at 6:15 and were done by 9.  It went off better than I could have hoped.  Thanks for the help, and the Twitter trend (#TimsMove #TimsMom #TimsBoob - I have odd friends and family).

I came back to KW on Friday night to sleep in my mostly empty apartment, reminding me of the week I stayed in my last mostly empty apartment.  A quick clean up on Saturday along with a few loads of laundry, load up the car, and back to TO for the night.  It was odd waking up and not being able to see my stove.  I was slightly concerned that it may not be there, but I didn't go to check.  At least not immediately.

I'm back in Kitchener for the day and potentially until tomorrow, but when I go back, I'll be at my new home.  The journey to this point has been an adventure, full of high points and low points, but again I quote Up: "Adventure is Out There!"

But for now, the reason all of you continue to read this blog:  Tim's Moving Tips:  Helpful hints to make your move all the easier

1.  Live in less than 400 square feet.  It means you have to keep to a limited amount of stuff.
2.  Never get married or have kids.  It means you only have to lug around your stuff when moving and not the accumulated junk of 2+ people
3.  If any furniture can be disassembled, do it (and before the van/truck arrives).  Smaller pieces are easier to fit in the moving van.
4.  Seperate the room into large furniture and boxes.  The furniture can go in the truck first and then the boxes can be used to fill the holes
5.  Carts and dollies are your friend when moving boxes and such.  You can lift more with a dolly and fit more on a cart than you ever could with your arms and back.  Dollies are good for totes and such that you can stack.
6.  The more the merrier.  My last move, my friend and I were moving out of an apartment and going to two separate places.  Somehow, it ended up being a total of 4 people helping load the truck, and then one left so it was 3 to unload.  The more people you have, the more breathing room it gives people so they don't get burnt out on the first room.
7.  Label all boxes with content and room.  It'll help at the other end.  You may still have to dig through 5 boxes before finding your ladle, but at least it should be in the Kitchen.
8.  If you don't have time or energy to follow these tips, it's understandable.  Moving is stressful and preparation time is sometimes little to nil.  Keep your movers happy and things should go fine.

Disclaimer:  I am not the definitive source for moving expertise.  Everyone is different and every move is different.

the four-oh-one diaries: wrapping up

On Monday, I signed a lease and wrote a large cheque to cover first and last months rent for an apartment in Toronto.  I move next weekend.

As much as I'm glad to be leaving the daily commute behind me (1100 km left), I'm starting to get a bit sad about a few other things.

I'm leaving the place I've lived for the longest continual streak since first coming to Kitchener for school in 2003.  I've been 3.5 years in my cozy apartment.  It's one room consisting of bedroom, kitchen, living room, office, laundry room, and dining room.  But it's been my room.

I'm leaving behind a church that I've called home since early 2008.  I've stepped down from my positions on the set-up team and in the youth group.  The church is looking forward to an exciting fall, and I won't be around to be a part of it.  I'm not looking forward to having to work at finding a new community to call home in a neighbourhood I don't know very well.  I'll still come back, but it won't be the same.

But most of all, I'm leaving behind some significant people in my life.  They've continually told me that I should just continue to commute regardless of traffic and the toll it takes on my life because they'll miss me.  Some people have even suggested leaving the job that I'm just starting to get used to and maybe even enjoy to find one closer to KW.  I won't be able to pop over for evening visits, or have them over for lunch on Sundays as easily.  The Internet is good at keeping people connected, but it still will not be the same as having them sitting beside or across the table from me.  Someone who is available at a moments notice when things suck, or is willing to celebrate with ice cream when something goes well will be available less than desired.  I already experienced this when I left Emmanuel, but this is going to suck more, I think.  I'll still see them on weekends and the odd other time, but it won't be so regular.

New friendships will be formed, new attachments will be created, new stomping grounds will be claimed.  But I don't want to forget the old.

As for now, I'm packing.  And dusting.  I've accumulated multiple years worth of dust on my belongings.  And my pack rat tendencies aren't very helpful.  The worst is receipts.

The walls are getting emptier, the boxes are getting fuller, but an apartment with actual bedrooms awaits me.  Onward and upward, as they say.  I'm usually not one who shows emotions (that's a whole other conversation and probably a counsellor's gold mine), but please, don't mind me if I shed a tear.

torontonia: here i come

I never thought the day would come where I be living in Toronto.  But in  one week from today, I will be packing up my life in Kitchener and moving much closer to where I work in Toronto.

As I will be living by myself in the big city and my friends in Toronto are presently limited to a few people, I will have to explore the city and find new people and places to keep myself occupied and out of the apartment.

I'm open to suggestions of places I should explore.  If your idea is chosen, I will go to that location and write a post about my experience.

It's a big city, much different from where I grew up, but as Carl and Ellie Fredericksen said in the movie Up," Adventure is out there!"

tasty treats with tim: pizza

So I was hopeful to try a video blog this evening, but unfortunately my batteries weren't up to the job.  So I started taking pictures.  But then about 6 pictures in, the wrist strap got caught on a handle and in the process of getting it unstuck, the camera went flying to the floor.  And so my cell phone had to finish the pictures.  And so I present the first episode of Tasty Treats with Tim: Pizza.

First off, make sure you ventilate the space well.

This is my kitchen prior to cooking.  If you note, it's quite messy.  As my mother could have told me, or maybe not - it seems like a good thing to say at least, always clean your kitchen before you make food. 

Now onto the dishes.  Make sure you have a clean dish cloth.  If your dish cloth can stand on end, it's time to get a new one out of the drawer. 

Put the plug in the drain, turn on the hot water, put some soap in the sink, and add dishes to start the process of washing.

Don't forget to rinse the dishes after washing.  As I always tell a certain someone while washing the dishes, make sure you rinse, otherwise you end up having dishes that taste like soap.

Once your dishes have been cleaned, the counters wiped down, and the compost taken out, you are ready to start making dinner.

 

Make sure you turn on the oven to the specified temperature on the box.  This pizza requires 12-14 minutes at 425 F.

Pull the pizza out of the fridge.  To make the pizza better, add extra cheese.  Store bought frozen pizzas don't have enough cheese on them.

But make sure your cheese doesn't have little fuzzies growing on it.  That is why a spare block of cheese comes in handy.

Open the box, take the pizza out of the package, and put it on a pizza pan.

Grate the cheese with your handy cheese grater and put it on the pizza.

Once your pizza is looking great, put it in the oven and set the timer.

When the timer goes off, pull the pizza out.

You are ready to cut it into slices in the number and size of your own choosing.  If you are like me, you are convinced there is no possibility to cut a pizza into even slices.

Add some salad, and enjoy!

the four-oh-one diaries: repairs

My car's been a decent car.  It's gotten me all around south-western Ontario with a few trips to the great beyond, including Ottawa, Montreal, Elk Rapids MI, and Sandusky OH.  It hasn't exploded on me while driving (except for maybe that one time).  Other people have shown their disrespect for my car by keying it, stealing the headrests, or flinging a hunk of concrete at the windshield.  But for the most part, it's been good for getting me around.

The issue comes surrounding repairs.  Parts for my car are expensive.  And the previous owner didn't take great care of it, being on account of holding it on lease for 100,000 km.  Mind you, it's now coming to the point where repairs will be more frequent, but it keeps happening... and they're slowly stealing my soul.  I haven't gone through and figured out how much I've put into this car... I think if I did, I might cry.

I will hopefully lessen the frequency of repairs when I am no longer driving 5000+ KM per month.  Thankfully that is coming up soon.  Less than 3000km to go.

There's your traffic update.

projecting through boredom

In September, I'm hoping to be settled in a new apartment that is many kilometres closer to work than I live now.  Mind you, it's many kilometres away from my family and friends and other significant people in my life.  This distance will be a strain at times, for one being that the relationships will be reduced to minimal time on weekends and the Internet, and for two being that I will most likely have not much to do. 

And that is why I come to you, my faithful reader(s?).  I have decided I would like to be like every other trendy blogger out there and blog as I try a new experience.  Like cooking or reading or something, but I don't really know what that something should be.  So I ask you, my faithful reader(s?), what should I blog about, starting September 4th?  I cannot promise daily, but I want to be more faithful to you, my faithful reader(s?), than I have been for the past few years.  Really, only 13 posts last year?  Pathetic, I know... but I'm doing better this year, despite having gone through a little shove into a different direction.

Suggestion(s?) will be taken until August 19 and then the top 3 (as chosen by me) will be put up for a vote.

I will start the suggestions with this:

A cooking show, because that's original, and it gives me a chance to use my video editing skills and program(s?).

the four-oh-one diaries: construction

Over the past few years, I've become a bit of a transit geek.  I like reading about new transit projects and yearn for the days when we have proper public transit (and a government that really truly gets the need for it).  But I'm not completely 100% focussed on transit.  I also like reading about the new construction projects going on around the province in terms of highways and roads.  I think this stems from my obsession with maps as a child and enjoying the new ways of getting places faster and more efficiently.

For example:  The upcoming bridge over the Grand River at the end of Fairway Road in Kitchener will be awesome because it'll make it faster to get out towards Guelph from this end of town and it will add two new roundabouts to the local grid.

But in my newfound appreciation for long-distance commuting to work, I've realized that construction can have it's downsides too.  It can take away lanes, or narrow them, or slow the speed down, which inevitably means that I'm stuck in traffic for much longer than I would be otherwise. 

 Don't get me wrong, the end goal is most likely going to be more helpful in getting people from point A to point B, but I think there's still the concept of induced demand that some people don't just get.  Kevin Costner got it in Field of Dreams: if you build it, they will come.

The highway planners get that they need to do something to help move traffic along.  When the reconfigured lanes open, they will help traffic for a time, but more vehicles will inevitably come to fill in the new space.

That's why we need high speed rail along the 401 corridor from Windsor to Montreal with stops at major junctions with cities along the route, connecting to local transit.  A dream: yes.  No chance of becoming reality?  Most likely.  One can hope: hope is always good to have... no matter how faint it is.

Maybe I should move to Europe... they have good transit.  Now I just need to learn how to speak Danish.  That'll get me far, right?


Oh, and another thing:  in the Construction zone, there are lots of bits to damage cars.  Like the chunk of stone hurtled at me from underneath a transport truck's tire the other day, causing a nice crack pattern and chip to appear in my windshield.... Sigh.

the four-oh-one diaries: transit

The day I got the interview offer for my job, I immediately started looking into what it would be like to commute to the other side of Toronto for work from Kitchener.  Driving was the first option: 1 hr 10 minutes on a Sunday morning.  See the previous posts in this series for the actual Monday-Friday results.  Second option was moving.  See other previous posts for my lack of success in that area so far.  Third option that I was really hopeful about in the beginning, but then saw the impracticalities of as I looked a bit further into was by way of public transit.

In December of last year, GO Transit started running two trains a day from Kitchener to Union station.  There are a few problems with this:

1. The train is slow due to the government not being very transit-friendly, at least not outside of Toronto.  It takes 2 hours to go from Kitchener to Union station, with one hour of that being spent in the "Dark territory" between Kitchener and Georgetown.  The tracks are not in great shape, and the pathway to having them upgraded to modern standards is riddled with politics and lots of ill-will.
 2.  My employment is not downtown.  It is very close to the northern boundary of Toronto.  I could walk to Thornhill in 10 minutes, if I wanted to.  It takes about 55-60 minutes to get from Union station to work, included a subway ride, a bus ride, and a 10 minute walk.
3.  Even if I cut off part of the train ride and rode the GO bus across the north end of Toronto, it only cuts off about 30 minutes, meaning it is still 2.5 hours each way (if you time connections perfectly).

So last Friday, circumstances allowed me to try the transit option so I would not have to leave my car in the big city over the weekend.  I woke up at 4:45, got picked up at 5:30, dropped off at the train station at 5:45, got on the train, which left at 5:52, got off at Bramlea at 7:14, transferred to a GO bus at 7:20, got off at Finch Subway Station at 7:45, transferred to TTC Bus, got off at 8:10, and walked the last 10 minutes into work.  Meaning I got up 30 minutes earlier, and arrived almost 1 hour later than usual.

I was living up to my ambitions of not driving if I don't have to, but the practicality of taking transit for my commute is fleeting.  Thankfully, I got a PRESTO card (GO's touchless fare card), meaning I didn't have to carry any cash with me for the entire ride.  Tap on in Kitchener, off in Bramlea, on in Bramlea, off in Toronto, tap again for TTC fare.

Just for the record, I had to come back from eastern Ontario via transit today, so I took VIA from Brockville to Toronto, switched to GO bus, took one from Union to Square One, Mississauga, and then another from Square One to about 1 km from home, where I got off and walked the rest of the way in the heat.  The whole trip took about 7.5 hours, 8.25 if you include the car ride from South Mountain.

Tomorrow is back to work... and driving.  Sigh.

being a person of [insert adjective here]

I found out what it is like to be treated like a person of height this week.  I put it that way because it is discrimination.  I'm upset that I was discriminated against.  All I was trying to do was look at an apartment within walking distance of work, but what happened was I walked into the apartment about 6 steps, almost hit my head on the very low ceiling and the landlord vehemently opposed me living there, so we turned around and left.

This is the saga of me trying to find an adequate apartment to live in.  Houses and condos are WAY TOO EXPENSIVE in the GTA.  Like WAAAAAAAAAAY too expensive.  Apartments follow suit.  I saw one listed as a bachelor, probably about 500 square feet for $1050 + utilities.  Not for me.

I haven't actually looked at more than 2 places so far.  There may be more coming up in the next week or two as I start putting this search into overdrive.  Driving sucks, but my understanding is that starting tomorrow, traffic should be lighter fairly consistently through the end of August.  That still doesn't mean I want to be on the road for 2.5-3 hours every day.  It's a lot of time wasted.

I should find some more audio books.  To the Library!

the four-oh-one diaries: reflections on traffic

I had someone mention to me that while I'm on the road, I'm not in traffic; I am traffic.  This goes along with the feeling I have of being a putz for driving all by my lonesome into Toronto every day and then back again every night.  I wish transit were feasible for the commute I'm making.  I wish more people lived in this general direction from my workplace.  However, this is not the case.  And so I drive daily... too far for a sane person.  I guess I'm insane.

1.  Regardless of the lane that I am in, the other lanes will be moving faster and I will be stuck behind wishing I hadn't changed lanes 5 minutes earlier.  The opening scene of Office Space rings true on an almost daily basis for me.  But then again, if I do by chance get into the lane that is moving faster, I'll still end up behind the truck that I passed again 10 km down the road in the next place of congestion.

2.  Trucks hate me.  I've almost been merged into by pickup trucks and transport trucks on at least 2 occasions.  They don't see little Tim in the lane beside them.  Sigh.  I really wish I could install spikes on the side of my vehicle so at the very least if they take me down, I'll get them good at the same time.

3.  Whoever said that car ownership is fun lied.  Big time.  Sure, it's nice to have the independence of being able to go wherever you want whenever, but the enjoyability ends there.  Gas is expensive, insurance is expensive, repairs are expensive, and it's stressful to have to pay attention to the hundreds of other people around you in the same predicament.

4.  I've started listening to audio books.  It helps keep my sanity.  This week's enjoyment has been To Kill A Mockingbird, by Harper Lee.  I read the book a few times in high school, but it's nice to be able to listen anew.  I actually understand the social commentary this time.  I didn't really get it 15 years ago when I first read it.  One disk per direction is quite nice.  I'll have it done by Monday evening.  Should be lovely.

the four-oh-one diaries: beginnings

1.5 months ago, I started my new job at Tyndale in Toronto.  This has meant a drastic shift in my life. I wake up at 5:20, am on the road around 6, start work at 8, leave at 4, and am home by 5:30-6:00, depending on the day and how the traffic is, and then to bed by 10.  This means I have been spending 1/4 of my day in my car traveling the 110ish km each way.  I've listened to multiple CD's, hours of CBC radio, strained my ears for the traffic reports to tell me why I've been stuck in Mississauga for what seems like an eternity, gotten the finger at least once after they cut me off, seen one tire explode ahead of me, missed hitting dozens of cars, and probably been missed by dozens of others, and so much more.  The things we do for a job.

The job has been a learning and growing experience so far.  Although the basic premise of the organization is the same as I'm used to, the modus operandi is different.  The department is much larger with 8 people instead of 2.  The size of the staff/faculty is much larger with 200+ in comparison to 40.  The building size is larger with quite a number of classrooms and multitudes of offices spread between two campuses.  Tyndale is acquiring a new campus with occupancy of the main portion of it coming next April where this size will increase dramatically.  So lots of differences between the organization itself. 

In my job, it's been foreign for me to have one basic area of responsibility: IT.  I'm used to being spread between at least 3 different roles at the same time.  Although my new position has incorporated bits and pieces of the Student Life (Assessment theory!) and website functionalities, it's been primarily IT as the focus.  Computers, photocopiers, A/V, phones, wireless, etc.  I've had to decrease in responsibility from my previous role as Network Admin, but in this size of an organization, I'm quite ok with not being responsible for the big stuff.  I had no formal training, which meant I was flying by the seat of my pants for almost 6 years and hoping and praying that nothing exploded, and when it did, the prayers continued that Google would be able to provide me with the answer I needed.

As for the huge task of moving on from my previous situation, it's been the hardest part of this whole ordeal, even more than the commute.  I'm feeling more comfortable with the work environment, but there's still a lot of nuances that I'll need to pick up.  I think the biggest thing is getting comfortable with the team of people I'm with.  Some seem more intimidating than they actually are, but it's still hard to learn how to interact with them.  That will come with time.

I'm thinking less and less about the situation I've come out of, but there are still times where it becomes very up front and personal.  Unfortunately, near the end there was a less than ideal interaction with one or two individuals, which has left a shadow over my desire to leave with no skeletons being dragged behind.  This is where forgiveness will come into play.  It's hard to forgive.  But, as I've been realizing more recently, the Lord will forgive AS WE forgive (see the Lord's prayer).  I'm told the grieving process takes time, and it's not a set order of how you go through the stages, which bothers me and my logical sequential brain.

Sigh.

I like my job.  I can't say I love it at this point, but I think it's still too early to say that.  What does love for a job look like anyway?  How does one come to that stage?

For now, I'm taking things one day at a time and am still scared out of my mind.  But, from what I understand, that's a common thing.  As the great Red Green said, "We're all in this together.  Keep your stick on the ice."

and here we go

Today I start a new job in Toronto. It's been a bumpy road over the past 3.5 months, but this is the light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing between me and there is 3 hours with probably 1.5-2 of those spent on the 401.

And here we go.

paraphilias

Interesting fun fact number 2:

Paraphilias are odd. Although I get how some of them could be of interest to some people. I don't really hope to ever acquire a foot fetish or interest in receiving enemas, but if that's your thing, don't share it with me.

Also, STI's are depressing to read about and study.

Fun fact number 3: Some parts of the anatomy look much different than what I saw in my head. Now to many of you, this isn't anything new or exciting and you had the actual pictures of what reproductive organs looked like in your head by the age of 12. In my defence, there's only so much a 2 dimensional overhead drawing can show you while learning about this stuff and common decency prevents actual photos being shown to minors. And then I mostly avoided this type of thing in my teenage years due to trying to live a moral lifestyle. I'm not too scarred for life. And I'm fairly certain my prof visited some websites that I hope to never visit in order to get some of the pictures we saw in class.

sex in the classroom

I made a statement earlier this year that I would use this blog as a chance to unpack some of the things I was learning in my human sexuality class. That has happened to some extent, but to a greater extent, I have failed in fully expressing the thoughts, opinions, and controversial topics that came up during my time spent sitting and reading about sex. I could blame it on the life-changing news that hit me the day before the class started, and I figure many (as in 7) of my readers will accept that as a valid excuse, but I don't think I should use that as a reason.

So rather than turn back the clocks and write my thoughts as I was thinking them, I'm going to be making some brief thoughts as I prepare for my exam next Monday. I'm starting my studying tomorrow and we'll see how it goes.

To start, here's the beginnings of a list of things that I learned or need to process still.

1. I have herpes.

Ok, so it's on my face in the form of a cold sore, but something that I sort of knew before this class, but had it fleshed out in quite a bit of detail is that cold sores are a strain of herpes, and that once you have the virus, you have it for life. It may be dormant for years, but it's still there and always will be. This is probably part of the reason that made the STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) class so depressing.

the cheese stands alone

My understanding is that after either Wednesday or Thursday, I will be the only one left of the 6 who were making an exodus over the past few months. Thankfully, it's only 3 days until I join the ranks of the 5 who have gone before, but it will be a new experience, and one that I hope I will never have to go through again.

It's a weird feeling to know that when I walk out the doors on Wednesday, I will have no one waiting to pick up the torch. I've done my best to document my jobs, but there are many parts that will go untouched because of lack of time, lack of necessity, or lack of knowledge.  The best I can do is know that I've tried to make information available to people and walk out the door with my head held high.  I have passed on a 57 page (and counting) document on how to ensure the network doesn't explode.

And so, after this unexpected road closure on my journey, here I am singing familiar words... the cheese stands alone.

thoughts from the mud

The past 3 months have been a new adventure for me. Adventures are stories with action, drama, fighting, pain, sorrow, grief, excitement, and more. I've experienced a range of emotions that I would have never thought possible to experience, all within a short time frame.

As I near the end of my time at Emmanuel (April 11th is my last day), I'm grieving the loss of the community - all my colleagues, all the students, the friendships I've made, the stories I've been a part of, the satisfaction of knowing that you're making a difference in someone's life (at least you hope you are). But one thing I've come to realize is that when I walk out the doors on April 11, I will be leaving my home behind. The place of shelter, of familiarity, of friends and family. It has been almost 9 years since I applied to be a student at Emmanuel with plans on going for a number of months before that. The time has been full of joy, pain, excitement, sorrow, and more. Just go through the archives of this blog to see some of that.

Over the past few months, I've had some help in realizing that I spend way too much time in my head. I'm not sure how to solve that, but I hope that as I start leaving the mud on April 12, I will be able to define a good strategy to help with that.

It's funny how some of the feelings of sorrow, grief, and pain keep coming back as different events happen. I'm down to 7 days of work left and there's probably much more to come.

Although there's still residual bitterness remaining within me and probably will be for a while yet, I'll miss the place that has become my home.

For now, I continue to walk down the path that is set before me and hope to enjoy the new adventures that await.

another month

It's March.

Since the last time I posted, a few things have happened.

I've gone to the Czech Republic with SOS Canada. The trip was a chance to refresh after a rough few months. I came back feeling encouraged to go to the next stage of whatever comes next for me.

With work, it's down to the final 2 months. I think these will be the hardest. April 30 needs to come soon.

I've been having some encouraging news on the what's next front over the past week, but that can remain quiet until things are finalized. Let's just say that between Tuesday and Thursday I went from thinking everybody hated me to wondering what just happened.

Continuing to move forward and attempting to finish strong. Here's the challenge.

brain exploding

Today's lecture was delivered by an individual who was born female, but along the way decided that they should be a male, and as such has started the transition to male-ness. Their goal is double mastectomy, full hysterectomy, and hormones. They don't want to touch the "bits between the legs" because the science "isn't there yet" (their words, not mine.)

I don't know what I think about this. Lots of questions were asked by students and were answered by an individual who wanted to share more of their life story.

I can't even use a gender specific pronoun here and this should bother you. It bothers me.

In the car on the way home, a song played that had the lyrics "if we don't have love, we're left with nothing" and the chorus went "People of God, rise up // Rise up and shine God's love. // We are the light of the world."

How can I shine God's love to a person who I don't know how to react to? Maybe the answer is not to react and be content with sticking at that.

I know there are readers of this blog who will sit on complete opposite ends of the spectrum. Some will see this as a female going against who they were created to be. Others will see it as a male figuring out that they were born in the wrong body and taking action. We live in a world where full of grey, and my black and white thought processes are coming up against a lot of questions that I need to think on. And so I shall.

Don't mind me if my brain explodes.

the other side of life

Apart from my course, my life has been a bit crazy over the past month. I've begun the process of looking for new employment. It's a hard process that I've had to teach myself. Thankfully I sort of had my resume up to date before all this started, but at the same time have had to rework it completely a number of times since then, based on potential job. My cover letter skills are improving. It sucks having to brag about yourself in a creative way, but that's what I'm having to do regularly. No response as of yet. One can pray and hope that things get moving soon.

I've decided to go to the Czech Republic with SOS Canada, a hockey ministry that provides opportunities to minister to the people of the Czech through hockey, youth ministry, working in orphanages, and more. A number of factors came into play that influenced me to go, and long story short, everything's set for me to go within 2 weeks of making that decision. So, from Feb 18 - 28, I'll be gone over yonder and being the hands and feet of Christ in another country. My hope is that I can shine even just a small glimpse of light onto the people we encounter.

I wish the weather were a bit more consistent these days so I could get out and do some more hiking. I went and did a bit on Friday and again on Saturday, but the trails were fairly slick and I almost feel down a few times. The places I really want to go aren't safe at this time of year and won't be until April or May.

Otherwise, life continues.

a challenge to myself

After the first midterm in my course, we moved into new material. Wednesday's class included watching two documentaries, the first was surrounding trans-gender ideas and the second was around the opinion of the UWaterloo campus regarding sexual orientations other than the male-female standard.

This morning's sermon was entitled "The Homophobic Church" and discussed the idea surrounding how there's a lot of hate in the past and although it has some pretty straightforward information on this topic, the Bible speaks of love for your neighbour at the same time.

I just finished reading the textbook chapter on Sexual Orientation to top off the day.

There's some good questions that arose out of this morning. And to each side of the argument there are valid points. I'm left upset with myself that my first reaction is to judge something as being wrong thus rendering the individual as a second class citizen. I'm upset that I have been part of the hatred and unwillingness to understand. I'm upset that I have pointed out the sawdust in someone else's eye and completely ignored the plank(s) in my own.

If one of my friends came out to me, I'm not sure how I'd react. I hope at the very least I'd be willing to listen.

No conclusions today. Only lots more questions.

Next up: Gender identity and roles where we figure out who wears the pants in this relationship. Or something.

on nudity

So I had a post written up on my perceptions of nudity and then decided that this was not the forum for those thoughts, so I deleted them. Now you'll never know if I want to be a nudist or not. (Ok, to avoid any confusion, I don't want to become a nudist.)

But that brings up another related concept: vulnerability.

With the upcoming end to my time at Emmanuel, I've been feeling a range of emotions from sadness to anger to frustration to confusion to grief, which I'm told is normal, expected, and even welcomed in this type of situation.

My largest frustration is the unknown as to what comes next. My comfort zone is being stripped away. Sure, I could probably go get a job making minimum wage flipping burgers in 2 seconds, but do I really want to do that? I thought I had my life figured out and a path charted, but since that fateful day not too long ago, my future is a blur yet again and I feel extremely susceptable to the changing of the tides or winds that might come my way. I have options of which career path I take, which some would look upon as a blessing, but it leaves me at a fork in the road.

My prayers as of late have revolved around how this sucks and I need God to be my anchor as I go through this season of my life. Where I end up a few years from now, and even a few months from now is a huge unknown. But for now, I trust in God's unfailing love.

today's fun fact:

"People do not walk around saying 'Hey, I got chlamydia.' "

Really? Wow, the things you learn.

The other interesting thing learned today is that my prof has a vagina doll named Vivian. That broke my brain a bit. And my innocence.

The next three classes include real life photos of reproductive organs. This isn't public school sex ed anymore.

an unexpected bump in the road (aka a post not about sex)

Last week I was informed that this would be my last semester at Emmanuel due to downsizing. My position, along with several others, is being eliminated.

Since then, my emotions have been up and down as I cope with this news and try to recalibrate my life to figure out what comes next. I've had some highs and I've had some lows, but most of all, I would say I'm still in a bit of shock.

I can't say I've ever experienced a loss that has affected me in the same way as this. I'm experiencing a time of mourning for the loss of part of my life that spanned 5.5 working years and 3 prior to that in a student capacity. I haven't looked up the stages of grief, but I'm sure I'm going through them.

The choices I make from here on in will be difficult as I have to begin (actually have begun) the job search process again. My memories from the last time I went through this remind me that it's not easy and not fun. I have a few months to get this figured out, at least.

Some things don't make sense and through my pain and tears I've had many questions. But through it all, I have to believe that God has something better for me; that this is a necessary kick in the pants encouraging me to move on; that my mourning will one day turn into dancing; and that through all God is faithful.

For now I sit in ashes.

research

This week's class revolved around the topic of Research Methods and sexuality. Freud, Pavlov, and more were discussed, as well as the ethics of watching people having sex for research. Needless to say, I don't have an urge to go out and get ethics clearance for that type of research any time soon.

I can't really say how many times I've heard a phrase that's made me look it up on the Internet only to find it related to something sexual. There's a Lady Gaga song that I heard in the past year or so focused around one term which I will not reproduce here which is in reference to something disgusting.

I guess sex sells... or something.

I liked my days of innocence, although they're long gone... if only to have them back for a day or two.

think unsexy thoughts

I have been conditioned to think that sexuality is taboo and we're not supposed to think about it or act on anything revolving it outside of wedlock. To a certain extent, I would say that this is acceptable. However, there is a world of grey in our world which leaves me confused, feeling guilty over thoughts and actions that others would view as appropriate, and embarassed to even think about.

In some areas, the black and white is clearly defined. Take Internet sexuality for example. There are many websites in which you can look at things, hear things, talk with other people about things. I'm not very proud to say that I've gone down some of those paths in the past. Not anymore, and I hope and pray for the grace to continue to steer clear of those.

But there are other areas where the line is not so clear. What's the answer? Who knows. For now, I am interested in taking a more analytic view of the topic and will hopefully learn a thing or two along the way.

My church is starting a series on Sunday on Sexuality. Topics include :Sex, Single Like Jesus, the "M" Word, and The Homophobic Church. All of these can be considered grey areas to some whereas others will see it as black and white. Which way is the right way of thinking? Some consideration is requird.

the sex talk

Originally, I was going to share the pearls of wisdom shared with me by my parents, but I've since decided that it may not be the best place to share this information. All I'll say is that during my teenage years, both my parents at one point in time or another said something to me related to sexuality and it was awkward.

So instead of potentially embarrass two wonderful people who raised me in a Christian home and gave me an excellent start to life and lots of support throughout the years, I'll share a bit about my feelings towards talking about this subject.

Talking about sex is awkward. Until recently, I didn't feel comfortable discussing anything surrounding this topic. Which probably is part of the reason why I feel I know so little. I remember having many youth group sessions devoted towards sex, but rather than give us anything that may be useful, we saw videos regarding why true love waits, courtship instead of dating, and why having sex isn't worth the risk of losing the good things in life, including chocolate milk (I don't remember which video this was in, but I remember seeing it multiple times). I remember the time that the youth leaders had to call my mother to get her permission for me to watch a video that was talking about the broad topic of sexuality, even though I was 18 at the time and could make that type of decision for myself legally.

I also remember having to go back into the classroom to get something in my 5/6 split class while the Grade 6's were having sex ed and the entire class staring at me and the public health nurse looking at me scornfully.

Becuase of the perception that good Christians don't talk about this sort of thing in an actual realistic way apart from sex is bad outside of marriage, I feel that I'm without much information that many others have received.

I can't say what I would say to my kids or any youth groups that I'm leading regarding this topic. I still feel somewhat ill informed regarding the whole thing. Even after this course, I'll probably still feel ill-informed, but hopefully a bit less so.

why i'm taking this course

My Intro to Human Sexuality course starts this afternoon. I've been asked a few times why I'd consider taking this course instead of any other course. I've asked myself this question a few times.

1. Being the good Christian that I was in grade 6, I decided that I shouldn't be forced to learn about this stuff. Because all Christians are definetely going to wait until marriage to partake in anything regarding the opposite gender and don't need to know about what happens below the belt. This attitude continued into Grade 7, 8, and 9 as those were the years we had our standard Sex Ed talks in school. [EDIT: I did not skip Sex Ed. I just refused to pay close attention]

2. I have limited experience in this area. I have held out to date and with Gods help I will be able to make it until marriage this way cometh. (No rush.) I figure it might be useful to know a bit more about the subject so I'm not walking into it blindly whenever that day may come. I've had a few questions that I honestly didn't know the answer to and wasn't willing to Google for fear of finding things I didn't want to see. I used my textbook to answer a few of them, but there are more that remain unanswered.

3. My ignorance in this area has spawned encouragements from others for me to learn more about the human body and embrace it as a thing of beauty rather than being ashamed of the anatomy I've been given and characteristics it has. There are still some words I cannot say without feeling ashamed of saying them.

Next up: The Sex Talk.

the textbook

And here's awkward post number one:

The textbook I'm using for the course I'm taking this fall can be found here.

The cover alone is the main reason why I'm not taking it with me to work and why it spent the entire Christmas holiday at home in my back seat face down.

Next post: reasons why I'm taking this course.

happy new 2012

It's 2012! I celebrated by watching 30 Rock with some friends and missing the midnight mark by about 3 minutes. Life gets that exciting.

This semester I've decided to take Intro to Human Sexuality at University of Waterloo for various reasons, mostly to learn more about an area in which I feel greatly ill-informed about. I hope to post here while I process some of the concepts that come across in this course. Should be sufficiently awkward.

Looking forward to it.